Most of us have a concept of what grief is and will all experience it in our life time, but regardless of whether we have already had experience of grief or not, what or who it may be that we are grieving, grief can be a painful and confusing experience.
What is grief?
Grief is a term that represents the experience we go through when we lose something or someone and does not just include the death of a loved one but also can be attached to other losses such as pets, jobs, valuable items or even periods of life and disability. These are just of the reasons we can experience grief- but there are many more.
The 6 stages of grief
Often when I am talking with people they describe feelings of grief as a deep sadness, physical pain or sense of loss, but grief includes so much more and psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler- Ross (1969) describes grief as having 6 stages:
- Shock
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
When I became aware of how complex the grieving process was I looked back at my own reflections of grief and initially struggled to understand how they could or ‘were allowed’ to be applied. I could resonate easily with the sense of shock, depression and sense of eventually finding some acceptance; but considering the other stages felt tough. I wondered how I could deny an ending such as death and wanted to understand why I could be angry- surely I had to accept that life had changed and couldn’t deny this, and why could I be angry at someone leaving - it wasn’t their fault surely? Furthermore what does bargaining have to do with losing a loved one?
How the grief cycle can apply to other losses
When I dug deeper on these thoughts things started to make sense such as moments when I had to bury my hurt to get on with my usual routine- perhaps this was some denial. Or feeling sadness and anger that a loved one may not be present at a time in my life, why hadn’t they stopped smoking/drinking earlier- they may still be here…. Considering bargaining this felt like such an alien concept in a process like grief, but slowly I recollected times when I had questioned a higher power or ‘God’ why this happened or what could have happened, or made deals with myself about how to get through difficult moments and slowly this began to make sense.
As I reflected on this process it started to make sense to me that other losses also had this cycle attached such as my initial sadness at giving up alcohol and wondering whether life would be fun any more without out, asking myself how I would get through social events and anger at not being able to do what others can do without problem. I also remembered my mixed feelings and questions following leaving jobs or moving house and could see how the mixed feelings I had during these times sat closely with the cycle of grief.
What can help with grief?
Theres no escaping grief can be a painful and challenging process that perhaps all of us find difficult. However, what is also true about grief is that it is a normal and healthy process, and does in fact highlight to us people and aspects of our lives that holds great value. So what can be do when we find ourselves in a place of grief? Some suggestions that may help below:
Talk to someone
Whether its someone close, a therapist, another involved or an organisation talking helps make sense of what we are feeling internally and allows for other connections. For some of us or in some situations its helpful to do this with someone who we know loves us, but at other times feelings can feel too private to share with someone close, thats when therapy or specific organisations can help us make sense of our experience
Be kind to yourself
Remember that feelings take time to work through and also have a physical toll. Grief can feel tiring and also leave us feeling fragile. Rest and gentle activities can really help as well as finding small pleasures in moments of anguish. It doesn’t have to be big things but even having a bath, or finding the time to have a cup of tea, looking at photos can make a small difference.
Allowing yourself time and asking for help
The grieving process can take time and this looks different for all and does not always follow the same pattern. The stages of grief are not necessary linear and it may be that different stages happen at different times or even in clusters. For example it can take some time for shock to wear off and then surprising that the sadness and depression occur much later. Some days can be easier than others. All of us need help at times and asking for help whether this is time off work, practical support from a loved one, or a listening ear. There are lots of ways we can acknowledge our needs and take courage in asking for support.
Remembering that what we experience is a normal and healthy process
It may not feel like it at times and can at times feel distressing, however the grief process is something that symbolises the love and value we have in our lives. I think it’s a normal human experience to not want to feel some of the feelings associated with grief- especially the sense of sadness, hurt, loss and anger. Remembering in times of distress that these feelings are part of a healthy response can help soften and allow for a little peace and acceptance in times of distress.
Above all grief is a unique experience that all of us will experience in our lifetimes, and can feel lonely at times. For further support if this is something you are experiencing and would like help with see the links below:
Cruse Bereavement
www.cruse.org.uk
www.ataloss.org
If you are experiencing grief and feel that therapy could be a step forward for you please do book an introductory call to chat about how therapy could help you please book an introductory call today.