I am often recommended books sometimes by colleagues, sometimes by clients and often by friends and family. I go to training events where they sell books or give reading lists and the curious, excited part of me often buys these books with a strong intention to read them… but sadly this rarely happens. 

For some reason I struggle to sit down and read these days and perhaps it's my ADHD and lack of focus, but I dont think its because I loved to read in my childhood and early adulthood. This means I often only read parts of books and refer to relevant sections of it, or find myself watching lectures and videos by the author on YouTube.

The book I have read several times and find of huge value to my work and own relationship's is Facing Co-Dependency which I have found so valuable in explaining attachment trauma, why it happens and what it looks like when this trauma arises in our adult relationships. 

What is Co-Dependency?

The author Pia Mellody (1989) describes Co-Dependent behaviour in adults as valuing our relationship with ourselves as less important that others we are in relationship with,  and describes 5 core symptoms that demonstrate this.

The 5 Core Symptoms of Codependency:

1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
2. Setting functional boundaries
3. Owning and expressing their own reality
4. Taking care of adult needs and wants
5. Experiencing and expressing own reality moderately

Facing Codependency, Pia Mellody (1989)

When I first read this book I felt quite shocked- I could I identify with all core symptoms in some respects and found this difficult to make sense of. Does it mean Im a codependent? Now that I find myself rehoming this book to almost everyone, does this mean I think that EVERYONE is codependent? In short the answer is no! So I asked myself why then does this book feel so helpful.

Why I recommend Facing Codependency by Pia Mellody

Well regardless of whether having a label of codependence is helpful or not I think that often if we search ourselves truthfully most of us can identify behaviours that we have done or do that feel a little uncomfortable or even dysfunctional at times. We all have good and bad days with self or others, and the above list of symptoms can fit quite universally even if its one or two on the odd occasion.  

For example, usually I am good at taking care of my basic needs but some weeks I find myself saying yes too many times to partner, friends, family and colleagues and suddenly I find myself in a place where Ive let go of my boundaries and not then care of my adult needs (symptoms 2 and 4). I usually find this out when I feel exhausted or undervalued, and often results in emotional sensitivity when I am less able to express my own reality moderately (symptom 5).

So does that mean Im codependent or is just that like many humans I get complacent at times and these are warning signs? I believe many of us when under stress can easily make mistakes or take short cuts that our fit healthy, rested selves wouldn’t. Also given we are relational creatures we cannot account for another behaviour and there for are often only partly responsible for interpersonal relationships.

This book is great at helping make sense of tricky relationship dynamics with those around us, even when we feel in a healthy place. It affirms difficult childhood experiences and makes sense of patterns of behaviour and communication that can often feel quite helpless. Most of all it gives hope and practical solutions for positive change, and highlights the subtle nuances of relationships that can be developed into healthy and fruitful collaborations, enabling you to achieve your dreams.

If you feel like codependency is somewhat you struggle with in your own life why not book an introductory call to discuss how therapy can help?